Stanley tried to casually observe the human data but found it difficult from within the confines of his human costume. His funiculi gouged his compound eyes beneath his costume. The consequence was aqueous humor dripping incessantly onto his bare occiput, where it hardened like glue and produced species-specific pheromones that would go unnoticed thousands of light years away from home. Insectoids and humans have vastly different anatomies, which meant two different costumes were needed to function as one. The inside suit accommodated Stanley’s insectoid-body and controls for operating the human body. From the stubble on his chin to his lanky gait, he appeared…authentically homo sapien. Sitting with his perceived postpetiole against the window in the Starbuck’s, he made some basic observations for his family and maybe future missions. He was one of thousands on the Earth gathering information on the orb they soon hoped to call home. But he felt lonesome as any human with no one to call for big help.
Observation 1: Despite the existence of (a minimum of) two sexes, the Starbucks café restrooms accommodated all defecators.
Observation 2: There were two lines for coffee. A walk-in and a drive thru. The drive-thru purported to be the fastest, but people who ordered via mobile phone could just walk in, take their coffee, and stroll out in less time than it took to order at the drive thru and wait for a drink at the window. These were the angriest humans in proximity to the café.
Fitting three insectoid legs into one human “costume” leg got uncomfortable quick. Stanley stood to avoid cramping, grabbed his cane (the great distractor), and in his own pained, heel-to-toe theater walk, scouted the café. Stanley looked into a few people, but no one returned eye contact. This confirmed what Stanley had already come to believe: humans were more paranoid and violent than curious. Perhaps, too, they were social out of necessity rather than health or pleasure.
Observation 3: Human customers with mobile orders lost their sanity when their coffee wasn’t prepared upon their arrival. Ditto when the cashier requested a worker to remedy the error on the fly. Impatience and anger were easy, but bloody bedfellows.
Observation 4: Customers and workers alike loathed insects. As if they were harbingers of the end of the world and, consequently, a weapon of mass destruction that would terminate at the nadir of their careers.
Observation 5: If every table had room for two, and only one chair was occupied, most humans still preferred dining alone to eating uncomfortably beside a stranger obsessed with discussing their emotional baggage.
Observation 5A: There is little sense of community. People who enter with their clan don’t mix well with other clans. Communities appear job based. Workers lived within walking distance of their workplace. Alternately, so-called nuclear families had no choice but live together, generationally, usually in semi-mansions outside the city limits.
Observation 5A1: Humans are not a collaborative species. In Starbucks, only two groups appeared to be working on something together: A group of young females lulling their babies to sleep by rocking their strollers and a table of high schoolers cramming for an exam.
Observation 5A2: Mothers attempting to visit Starbucks with a loud litter were shunned. They were the reason for the drive-through.
Observation 5B: Males sitting alone hid their screens, probably to keep their pornography private.
Observation 5C: Solo female guests in Starbucks – a rarity – read books or otherwise studied their mobiles. They were visibly exposed to all manner of pressure – some legal, some illicit, some theological – almost always unwanted. They tightly maintained their purses, lest any wandering Epstein-esque lothario prowled the exo-suburban night.
Observation 6: Beyond a kinky few, humans abhorred the sight of exposed feet. Starbucks is considered the second-to-worst place to go shoeless. The worse place for naked feet was on an airplane.
Observation 7: Trash, whether slightly scratched ceramics or perishing food, was allowed to collect until end of shift. Workers traded tantrums to avoid cleaning. The loudest mouth escaped clean-up for the night.
Observation 7A: Homeless people stake out dumpsters at shift change for food disposed of by workers, i.e. those who kept the good food separated from the nausea-inducing refuse and hid it somewhere only the local homeless could find.
Observation 8: Mid-afternoon, Starbucks was stormed by middle-age children lining up for sweet, caffeinated drinks. Unlike their adult counterparts, they were exceptionally social and even shared the collective task of homework. Yet, the ennui of Americans in high school was tattooed across their eyes, the chaos of social life colliding with rapidly changing hormones. Pre-mating rituals commenced.
Observation 9: Solo males not engrossed in pornography had other obsessions. The most entertaining were those convinced that aliens existed and were, at this very moment, strategizing methodologies for obtaining human data via the anus. Some humans were convinced aliens had put an end to probing. Others knew they were just warming up.
Agent Stanley reported that humans are so self-involved, they would never see a sneak attack coming even if given the plans in advance. Only slightly more probing was required before the final take-over could begin. Stanley decided they should abduct the children and teenagers first. Like the human song predicts, “the children are the future.” And they would be delicious.
